Tonight I attended the annual Blue Christmas service. This is a quiet, gentle time of prayer, silence and song. In large part, it is intended to give us space to experience our grief and struggle during a season which seems to demand cheer. I’ve gone every year for the past eight. Normally, I weep. I sob for a variety of private losses I do not generally name aloud. This year, I did not cry. I simply sat. I felt so peaceful. I felt so positive. I felt cared for by the Universe. I felt happy. And yet, when I saw the pain in others’ faces, my heart immediately wrenched and my eyes burned with sadness…
I was bewildered by my general contentment. Upon reflection, I wondered if it was GAPS! I experienced horrible, debilitating depression since early childhood. In the past six months, I have not. I have experienced clarity, joy and optimism. My response to others in pain tells me this is not apathy; it is indeed peace.
I am grateful.
This is the second instance in which the change has been profoundly noticeable. The first was in grey, rainy days in general. Formerly, my mental pain on these days was utterly intolerable. I don’t have to explain – if you’re going through it, you know I mean that. Now, I find the overcast skies cozy and the rain refreshing and invigorating. It beckons me. I walk cheerfully through it.
I am grateful!!!
You write beautifully. Ever thought about becoming a writer? x
PP: ***Thank you.***
Thank you for sharing this Baden. I can really relate to what you describe and it really makes me want to keep going (I am having a hard time right now and cheated for the first time in 5 weeks today and do not feel proud…). Your post makes me realize that GAPS is the way to go for me, as hard as it can be and as unconvincing the results right now…
Hi Catherine,
Yes, the journey is bumpy! Don’t feel too guilty about ‘cheating’. My own efforts started quite a few years ago –lots of starts and stops before I finally set sail –I think it’s all part of it. I liken it to someone leaving an abusive relationship –they say a person will leave eight times before making it final. Similarly, I left junk food –which was indeed hurting me physically and emotionally– multiple times before this commitment. Just keep allowing yourself to start over. Every positive step you take brings results –it’s just sometimes we don’t notice them until we look back…
Thanks, Baden! This is so true. I love the comparison with the abusive relationship. It’s that strong… and that unhealthy! The relationship we have with food is so important and I know GAPS make me work on that a lot and I find it very hard.
Baden you just plain keep me going. The towering symptom that brings me to GAPS is depression. Depression is a head/body/spirit disease — invisible to others — and its danger is that the head will talk itself out of giving the body what it needs to get better and drain the spirit of hope and will. On top of that there’s a lot out in the din-sphere that can be thrown at depression, some of it helpful but much of it a pea-shooter aiming at an elephant.
Your experience and the way you write about it keeps me on track. When I’m tempted to detour, I will return to this blog and your posts. Profound thanks.
Dearest Eloise,
I just had a very hard day –more snow; more very cold temperatures; more pushing my 45lb child in a 50lb stroller over snowy banks and up hills; internet down; and pretty much everything going wrong at work; etc.
Again, I’m very lucky to be on GAPS or I’d have really been done in emotionally today!
But even with GAPS keeping a person steady through life’s normal ups and downs, a day like today wears a bit on a person. Your note, then, is a huge blessing. Profound thanks in return…